Divine dispensing

Well that was intense…

Today was a day of prayer and learning God’s eternal purpose. I’m not sure I know exactly what that is yet. However I gather that God loves us and wants to be with us. He wants us to be vessels to accept Him and manifest Him through ourselves. I gather that God’s economy is that he is distributing himself to us so that He can have the Church that is His body. “Divine dispensing”


I gather that…

Hope = Christ

Christ in You = Hope of Glory


There were a lot of Amens today. Just as I was pondering this and coming to the conclusion that I was in some sort of happy clappy event, the speaker explained all. Amen = I agree. Amen = Yes. Amen = That’s right. Amen = God. So that’s why they say it all the time. Maybe God is listening to my every thought!?!


I gather that God so wanted to be with us that He came down to earth – He ‘put on humanity’ and became 100% man and 100% God.


I learnt that we need to mingle with God. He does not want us to do things just for the sake of doing things. He wants us to spend time with Him, that’s what pleases Him. And when we get to know Him it makes Him happy and it will make us happy and everything else will fall into place. When we spend time with God we will have something to give to others.


I found that to my surprise I enjoyed today. Some bits were heavy going and perhaps a bit too much for me. But some bits really spoke to me in a way that I have never experienced before. My mind is still firing questions at God – “why? why? why?” I am not getting any answers just yet.


The people here are all very nice. I do not know why they are so nice. Is it because of God or are they just nice people anyway? Gloria and Jenny have already sent me two text messages today – one wants to pray and read the Bible with me on my lunch breaks and the other wants me and my mother to join a Bible study class. Watch this space…


I spent an hour with a nice young lady called Lyuba – a Ukrainian with an American accent. I can tell that she really loves God. I can see it in her eyes. She patiently listened to me talking about my crisis of faith and my reconciling my grief of my father’s death with the expectation that I should still somehow believe in a God who loves us. I can talk a lot if there is a willing listener.


I spent another half another telling a young Greek/American lady about my various experiences in Churches past and my reflections on what might have gone wrong. They are patient people.


While I was chomping away at a cookie/biscuit I had a revelation. Yes, I did. I felt that I should just let go of certain things. I should cut them off and let them float away. I should just be myself. I should just be myself and allow peace to flow through me. Everything else would follow. I saw that I might not get everything that I want at the time that I want it and in the mean time I should not waste time worrying over it. Whatever will be shall be, it will happen but in a timeframe outside of my mindset. In the meantime I need to enjoy the journey. I need to spend time with God. I am not sure now, what that looks like.

I gather from today that that might entail reading the Bible.

Another free Bible - The Recovery Version.
Another free Bible – The Recovery Version.

I used to be an avid reader in the years after I was baptised. I might get back to that. I was thinking that I might start with the chapters that I enjoy. I love the first chapter in the Gospel of John – it’s so beautiful it makes me weep. Especially verse 14

John 1:14 The Word became flesh and made his dwelling among us. We have seen his glory, the glory of the one and only Son, who came from the Father, full of grace and truth.
How can those words not make your heart sing?

I love the book of Philipians – some tough words and concepts but on the whole encouraging.

Philippians 2: 5 – 11 In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus: Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be used to his own advantage; rather, he made himself nothing by taking the very nature of a servant,being made in human likeness. And being found in appearance as a man,he humbled himself by becoming obedient to death— even death on a cross! Therefore God exalted him to the highest place and gave him the name that is above every name, that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow,in heaven and on earth and under the earth, and every tongue acknowledge that Jesus Christ is Lord,to the glory of God the Father.

And I love this lines in the first chapter of the book of Colossians

Colossians 1: 15 -18The Son is the image of the invisible God, the firstborn over all creation. For in him all things were created: things in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or powers or rulers or authorities; all things have been created through him and for him. He is before all things, and in him all things hold together. And he is the head of the body, the church; he is the beginning and the firstborn from among the dead, so that in everything he might have the supremacy.
I used to read these words out in Church and feel such power and hope. It was simply incredibly. It would set me up for the week

I gather today that it also entails being around other believers. This is not so easy for me. I am essentially a bit of a loner. I will talk people if they approach me and I will talk non-stop. But I will not willing approach people unless I think they need help. I just do not. I am self-contained. Unlike all the people that were approaching me today. So we will see how that goes.

Perhaps I should pray more. I used to pray every morning before I left the house, to the point that if I forgot but suddenly remembered after I had closed the front door, I would have to go back into the flat, kneel by the sofa and pray and leave the house. Then life got in the way, my father got sick and I just lost my faith. I held my fist up to the sky and said “Why aren’t You listening? Have I done something wrong?” I was angry and frightened. I have not managed to regain that early morning time again. In fact I do not really pray anytime anymore. It’s sad. I am not sure how to get that back again.

So there we have it. I am in the bubble of the Essex countryside, allowing myself to connect with God in a way that I never tried before. Its nice.

Tomorrow is an early start – 7am prayer meeting!?!

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