Weekly photo challenge – 23rd September 2016
This is me, on my 40th birthday on a train in Holland. It was a surprise trip arranged by husband. I did not know I where I was going until I stood at the boarding gate. It was a very lovely trip, with attention to detail by my sweet husband that I never thought possible. He really is a good man. In that moment, whizzing through the countryside, I was very happy.
I am now 2 months into my 40’s. and if I am being totally honest, my birthday surprise from my husband has been the best part, the rest has been a crushing anticlimax. Should I be saying this? I suspect not, with everything that is going on in the world, I should in fact be grateful that I have made it to this age with good health, a job, a roof over my head and a loving husband and family. I am of courseHowever, I seem to want so much more. The problem is that I am not sure exactly what that is. I am yet to see if I will be a mother, if me and my husband will become parents. Maybe, it is that uncertainty that has caused this feeling of unease. I love my job, but I am not sure I am enjoying the current working climate both local and nationally and my employer rolls from one uncertainty to another. I am not sure if changing jobs will, provide clarity to the situation. It would certainly take me out of my comfort zone. It would certainly provide that challenge that might focus my thoughts away from anticlimax, vague, unnameable disappointments and worries. I did wonder briefly, if I was facing a spiritual crisis of sorts. In one week or so it will be 10 years since my baptism at my local church. I have since stopped attending and found myself with too many unanswered questions and contradictions to continue practising and authentic faith. However, now there is a palpable, tangible gap in my way of processing life events and relationships. In the days of my innocent, unquestioning belief, I never really worried about anything, I had an overwhelmingly generous and optimistic view of the world. There were silver linings to every cloud but then somehow a thundercloud appeared and has been hoovering overhead since. I have come to accept that my worldview has changed. I have not quite decided if I will explore any other faiths, however I suspect that the answer is no. I have learnt my lessons about engaging in what feels right and comfortable and sustainable.
Why have I entered this whirlpool of reflectiveness? Two weeks ago, I just could not get out of bed. I had shivers, lethargy and headache that almost left me in tears. I did not manage to make it to work for the whole week. I was completely run down. While I was convalescing on my lovely blue sofa, between long three hour naps and gaps in headaches, I did start to think that I needed to make some changes in my life. This was likely to involve, rethinking my work-life balance, my relationships with everybody I know and the value I have for myself. I have always been accused of not taking good enough care of myself and I have always dismissed this and carried on as normal. However, maybe, it is because I am now that age, and now married, I have started to think that perhaps I should be more considerate to myself. I wonder if I should quietly let go of things that have thus far held tightly to, maybe being lighter, will allow me to make the progress that I am craving.
The woman in the orange shoes is on mission, to be the best person she can be.