How can you measure sadness, loneliness and loss. How can you quantify grief. How can you say when enough is enough. How do you know when it started , when it turned into something , when will it end. Does it end or does it just change. How do you know when to call time , to admit, to ask for help. Have you ever tried to catch your tears. How much space would they take a teaspoon or a cup. How much crying would you have to do to fill a bucket and does it depend on the bucket size.
I heard on the news yesterday that Prince Harry has opened up about how he has felt in the past few years. This summer it will be twenty years since he lost his mother at the age of twelve in the most tragic of circumstances. I don’t suppose there is any ‘getting over’ such things these events and ones response can define and mark a person for life.
Hearing snippets of his interview made me reflect on how I have coped since my own father passed away. Of course very different circumstances but of course I do not think one can compare grief. When I think about how I have coped since I lost my father , I think of numbness. I think of how for the most part I have not really allowed myself to feel the full extent of the pain and the loss. There are times when I just want to howl with the anger and the pain and the loss and the injustice. Instead I will go about my daily life, trying to look for positives and remember the good things. There are time when I have wanted to cry like a baby. Instead I have let out a few tears, taken a deep breathe and rolled up my sleeves and told myself to just get on with it ‘there are so many other great things in your life’. But as I have been reading and learning – sometimes you just have to let that hurricane past through . Sometimes the depths have to be reached and explored and then you find your own way up , in your own terms, in your own time. It is OK to acknowledge the magnitude of my / our loss. It is OK to feel that it was totally unfair. If there is any such a thing as healing from this perhaps that would be one step in the right direction. 2015 was the year of shock , 2016 was the year of keeping busy and occupied , 2017 is the year of reflection, looking back and looking forward.